slippery slope

i didn't know that i could fold so easily. That my strength was so shallow. i didn't know that i could want so much that i would be willing to never return. i know now. i know what i am capable of. i know what transcendance would be like. i know it could happen in an instant. In a touch, a raised eyebrow, a smile at the corner of the mouth.

Silence

I haven't posted anything to this blog in a long long time. Why? Daily activity overtaking my devotion? Yet my heart hasn't ceased yearning, my love hasn't ceased growing, and I need oh so badly to be whole. How does that happen? Give/Deny, Punish/Reward...it's all the same. If it's at your hand, I am grateful forever.

See G-Spot Run Run G-Spot Run

Well, not in the Dick and Jane books I grew up with. OK, so still looking for that elusive G-Spot. May as well be the Scarlet Pimpernell! Yeah, squirted twice but by accident, sorta. I mean, I didn't expect it or try for it to happen. So now that I am searching for the Holy Grail of squirting, seems everyone is an expert- Relax, use fisting, use oral sex, use "running man" fingers, 2", 3", 4", or the guy who offered to help me (how magnanimous of him!) and when I told him that my Dom insisted that He be the one to do this, (guess I'm too gentle and genteel in my politically correct answer) responded, "well, if he fails, just let me know"! Now that's called chutzpah! Not likely!

Not likely that I'll give up trying either. Run G-Spot Run!


to Stephen & Ray

The Proper Use of a Cane

I've gotten to know several canes. We're on a first name basis. And they all have the same name. It's not a nice one, but then canes are not nice. In their defense, they never pretend to be nice, unlike some people I know. They are brutally honest and unapologetically cutting. But they do have one redeeming value. They make great plant stakes. Come spring, mine will be planted with tomato plants embracing them. Now if I can only figure out the creative use of a Wartenberg wheel.....hmmm... maybe a sculpture in a succulent garden!

Learning how to serve

This is not mine...I wish it was, perhaps one day it will be my experience, right now it's my lesson:

DO WHAT HE SAID.
That’s it. Shut up. Listen. Do what he says. Don’t debate
it. Don’t think about it. For Fucks Sake, don’t blog about it. Don’t ask the
girls on the internet chat channel and forum what you should be feeling about
what he told you to do. Don’t post it on the internet. Don’t consult your
horoscope, his horoscope, or the tarot. Just DO what HE says you should Do.
Preferably, you should try to do what he says when he says you should do
it.
Some notes on “doing it”.
If it’s an easy thing, don’t clarify it. If
it’s a hard thing but you know him well enough to know what he meant, don’t
clarify it. Don’t stall. Don’t dawdle. Don’t handle your own shit first.
If
you’re from up North Don’t “prepare” to do it. If you’re from Down South, don’t
be “just fixin’” to do it. Just DO what the Fuck he said for you to do. If you
forget easily, WRITE IT DOWN. If you aren’t paying attention when he says it,
Ask him to repeat it. Yes, he’ll know you weren’t listening but it’s better to
ask him to repeat it and fail once at step two than to fail EVER at step
three.
Pleasing an owner is the easiest part of slavery. It’s three steps.
Deal with the inner workings and spirituality and the other Oprah and Eckhart
Tolle parts of slavery on your own time. I know we’re supposed to care about the
spiritual shit. I got the memo, but to be honest, I’ve never felt the need to
ponder about the spiritual workings and inner epiphanies of my slavery while
sucking Master’s cock. That’s what my free time is for. When he’s asleep I can
do ALL of that. And I do. I have journals for days on the spiritual side of my
service. I have to remember though, that’s my thing. That’s not his
thing.
When he’s awake and when he’s around, it’s Step One. Step Two, Step
Three.
And guess what? That Man of mine is PLEASED. He’ll even tell perfect
STRANGERS how pleased he is! He tells me constantly how pleased he is. “Kitten,
You please me so much.” I hear it like 5 times a day and I EARN IT. All I have
to do is Shut up, Listen, and do what he says.
Is it always easy to just shut
up, listen, and do what he says? NO! I didn’t say that it was easy to do what he
says. I said it’s easy to please him. That’s a totally different statement,
friend. As long as I’m not also trying to please myself, it’s very easy to
please him. I think that’s the unspoken part of a lot of those questions about
being found pleasing.
“How can I always please my owner without giving away
part of myself?” You can’t. “How can I please him while still doing exactly what
I want to do?”
Well, you can’t unless exactly what you wanted to do was
please him, but I’ll admit, that’s getting into “In order to bend the spoon
first realize that there is no spoon” territory for me. I can’t help you with
that heavy shit.
“What if my owner is wrong??”
Let’s not even go there
right now.

So here's my self-discovery tip...."shut up." At some point it's not about me if it's service. And that point better happen pretty damn fast. This week has been both devestating and enlightening for me surrounding the same issue. "Arguementative? me? You're kidding, right?" sigh ok Cinderella, if the shoe fits....so I cry a lot, feel abused and misunderstood. C'mon, how much shit can you hold? Then I think....I remember this...from ACIM....something like"You think your understanding is a powerful contribution to the truth..." yup...so let's see cindy, you can continue to be a SAM or you can be who you are with love. How often are you handed the opportunity in a crystal goblet? It really IS that simple, isn't it?

So now I can prepare to do it...oops no "prep" time. No excuses. As in the words of the great Yoda...."Don't try, do." Yes Sir.

ty Stephen & Ray

How do I know?

How do I know that I'm living a submissive lifestyle? What makes it so? The mind, the mind...it must be secure in the mind. To know that every movement, every act is done with grace and knowledge that it's something He cares about. It could be mixing a drink before He comes home, or snuggling and holding Him when He's down. It could be playful and wicked. It could be so many things, but above all else, it is held in the mind that I want to please Him, serve Him, be used by Him, possessed by Him. I want Him to fill my cup with wine so potent that I can laugh at the world. I want to be completely His in His mind and mine that they become One Mind.

i love u Stephen

My heart's desire

There are so many words i don't speak because i'm afraid You will hear them. They are my heart's desire and my fear. Little by little, i come to know who/what i am. Oh sure, the words are easy...slut, whore, wank candy...love them words. But the real edge comes not from those words. It comes from a sterness of voice, a look, a raised eyebrow, an order, almost a dare. It comes from taking control, moving me out of a comfort zone and into Yours. It comes from tenderness and brutality intertwined.

Moments that the brain spins and leaves me gasping for air....You'd DO that?

The dare..."Why are you here?" The words, real, cold, stark, like the metal of a sword, sharp. The commitment over and over again edging out anything else in my head.

Thank you S & R